Beginning Again

by Lisa on January 8, 2010

Early morning hues.
Pink clouds dance with blue skies.
I failed miserably last year in being a writer.  Oh, I wrote some, but it certainly wasn’t here on this blog and it wasn’t about the story I want to tell and turn into a book.  Writers write every day.  And that is why I I failed.  There were way too many days when I chose not to write anything at all. 
Looking back (just for a brief moment, because this post is really about looking forward), I didn’t write because sitting with the discomfort of a blinking cursor reminds me that writing a book isn’t going to be easy.  I didn’t write because telling the story of my indiscretions and infidelities isn’t going to be pain-free. I didn’t write because saying yes to anything other than writing created the illusion of comfort for a short time. I didn’t write because being completely honest with myself wasn’t happening in some areas of my life last year. And when you want to write a book called “The Girl Who Looked Into the Mirror” and the girl (me) wasn’t willing to do that (look into the mirror) and face up to certain things, she really has no business writing a book about the importance of loving and being honest with yourself. 
Looking at life right now looks pretty damn good.  It’s like looking at those clouds the other morning (the ones you see in the photograph above)…they were eye-candy for the spirit, but they were also eye-opening expressions of time.  As I took in the beauty of the new day beginning and watched the clouds change shape and then disappear altogether, I was suddenly and acutely aware of how fleeting one’s life is. The illusion of “having all the time in the world” to write a book or read all the books I own or travel to India or to do whatever it is I want to do doesn’t exist sometime in the future.  It exists right now in making the time every day to move towards what I really want. 
And that’s what I will do this year.  Every day I will be a writer. I’ve faced up to those things last year that stopped me.  I’ve forgiven myself.  I’m looking forward.  I return to this blog and I begin to write my book.  The reflection is telling the truth again.   

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Laura DeVault January 8, 2010 at 6:27 pm

Hello my far-away-haven’t-yet-met friend. I’m sending you lots of compassion for having “failed” and “having no business writing a book”. What I believe is that the spirit has a way of following an intention, even if it’s not the intention I had in mind. When I don’t do something, it’s important for me to look for what intention my spirit is following, and it’s usually pretty much about loving myself. I wonder what loving intention your spirit was following when you weren’t “being completely honest with yourself”? As you begin again, I hope you’re putting down the whip, and beginning with love.
xo, Laura, once-upon-a-time Nia teacher, part-time life coach, and soon-to-be-bookstore-owner in Virginia


Lisa January 12, 2010 at 3:18 pm

Thanks for the lovely reminders, Laura. “Beginning with love”…I think that should be my morning mantra from here on out. Congrats on your new adventure, Ms. Bookstore Owner. Wahoo!


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