The Girl Who Looked Into the Mirror

Excruciating Vulnerability

 
I'm using the photo above to demonstrate what Excruciating Vulnerability is not.  Obviously, Santa has gone a wee bit over the top when it comes to authentically expressing himself and being transparent with others.  And while this image is meant to illicit laughs, it's no laughing matter that so many us feel unable to express ourselves in an open and honest way with others.   I struggle with this myself in certain areas of my life still and I know I'm becoming more courageous to say the things I want and need to say.  

It's an easier said than done kind of thing.  We say we want others to know how we really feel and yet more often than not, we don't follow through and actually do it.  We don't say what we really want to say.  We hold back.  We hide out.  We give hints, but hell no, we aren't going to say everything we want to because to be that vulnerable is excruciating or embarrassing or exposing just too damn much of ourselves.   But what if we looked at being genuine and real differently?  What if we thought of excruciating vulnerability as exciting and exhilarating and emancipating?   

What if the thing that freaks us out (name whatever fear it is) is the very thing that frees us?   

If you haven't clicked on the link in the first paragraph above yet, please do and watch the entire twenty minute Ted talk with Brene Brown.   (A word of warning to those who are not yet familiar with Ted...you can spend all day watching videos of amazing speakers with brilliant and beautiful messages and ideas.  This would not be a bad thing, actually, as you might discover just listening to what others have to say is a day well spent.)  It was Brene's video that inspired me to write this post.  Her passion for being courageous, authentic and transparent resonates with mine in a big way and reminds me to keep being the change I want to see in the world.  I'm going to reach out to her and to Regina Perata and Colleen Wainwright and let them know I appreciate their willingness to be transparent and to be seen. 

Transparency is a growing edge for me.  I don't share as much as I'd like to sometimes because I'm scared of what people will think.   Despite my propensity to share personal things and partake in risky adventures, there is just some stuff I don't want to stir up.  I don't want to rock the boat (change the status quo) or sail a new ship (create something entirely new and unknown).  What that really means is in some situations, "I'm not willing to risk being who I really am with you" and that truth makes me feel incredibly frustrated and terribly sad.     

I know I'm not alone in feeling this way.  I wholeheartedly believe it's imperative that we can be who we really are and to share our truth as we know it with others.   Yes, excruciating vulnerability is scary and it is what we need to do to grow ourselves, to help others and to make our world a safer and healthier place.  To see and be seen by another. To love and be loved by another.  This is what we're here to experience.  This is it.   

How will you be vulnerable today?

The Middle Place

 The Turning About

 The turning-about is upon us,
 the turning of mind, the expansion of eyes,
the presence of children who bathe
in the light of the stars;
their distant brothers move closer,
cherish the light that shapes from within. 

Our heritage,
the spirit who soars,
the mind that dreams,
the heart that reaches out. 

O' children of creation,
the island of light
is within you.
As you reach for your home in the Sun,
the lamp of your becoming
strikes brilliance everywhere...
you are free. 

~Richard H. Geer~

I was not thrilled with the results of the election yesterday.  I could have complained and whined and worried.   I've been there and done that and it does no good.  Instead, I danced and wrote and sat in the sun and that turn-about felt good.  I am free when I choose to be.

The right will see it one way and the left will view it another way and meanwhile, the very place we should be looking at, the middle, is forgotten.   The place of compromise and consensus.  The place where we agree to disagree and we do it with decency despite our strong convictions and emotions.  The place where we ask, "How can we help each other?" and we realize we're all in this together. 

The Turning-About isn't upon some of us.  It's upon all of us.      

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall Monday

Beginning today, and every Monday, I'll be posting a question with an accompanying photo.  Remember what Snow White said as she looked at her reflection, "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?"  It'll be like that with better questions and with your participation.  Life and learning about who we are...this isn't a solo adventure I'm on.  It's one we're all a part of.  It's time to open up this conversation about being real and being true in a much bigger way.  Submit your answer and your photo.  C'mon, do it.   

 Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

 
 
"What scares me most?"

The fact that life is incredibly short and I'm quite certain I won't experience everything I want to.       

Don't feel sorry for Sandra ~ Be happy for her!

I do not envy this woman right now.   Three weeks ago, her professional life was proudly honored and celebrated when she won this year's Oscar for Best Actress. One week later, her personal life came a-tumbling down as rumors surrounding her husband's infidelities played out in every form of media, most predominantly in the tabloids.  This whole situation sucks and I'm happy for her.  Huh?  What was that?

Yes, I'm happy for her.  I feel bad about the unraveling of her marriage turning into such a public spectacle. It's unfortunate that when you're a well-known celebrity everything about you can become known well in an instant.  The price of fame and fortune can have nothing to do with money and yet can be a very expensive one.  I feel bad for her step-daughter who's probably wondering what the hell is wrong with her parents and is hoping she can be legally adopted by Sandra.  I feel bad that Sandra may lose all contact with this child should she decide to divorce.  Having said all that, I don't feel sorry for her because she now has the opportunity to make different choices for herself.   

I'm happy the truth has come to light. Of course, we (the public) don't know what the real truth is, but you can be damn sure that Sandra knows what it is at this point.  And now that she does, she'll decide to either stay on with a man who cheated on her and forgive him or move on and meet someone who is man enough to remain an honest and committed partner.  My vote is for moving on.

I'm happy she can take a closer look at her role in all of this and see what was missing and what was needed for HERSELF in the relationship.  No doubt she's in an emotionally-raw and vulnerable place, but I also hope she's able to listen to her own truths and not settle for anything less than what she really wants in her life now.  I wish for Sandra, as I do for Elin Woods, the courage and confidence to let go of these men who have no concept of what integrity, kindness or respect means in a marriage or for themselves. I wish those same things for anyone (man or woman) who has been cheated on numerous times to walk away with your own sense of self fully-intact. 

Self-psychoanalysis...an accurate perception is possible

I've never had my very own psychotherapist. Oh, I've been to pre-marital counseling (It worked. I didn't get married) and we-better-do-something-different-before-one-of-us-kills-each-other counseling (This worked as well. The something different was me breaking it off which led us both living to see another day), but I haven't had a solo session with an official PhD of the human psyche.   Have I considered it?  Sure, but when I can have a nightly go-around in my dreams for free, I know I can save myself a lot of money and get some pretty damn good advice from my own head provided I listen.

So here's what my self-psychoanalysis has diagnosed, as well as its accompanying treatment plan:  Dreams of lustful exploits with my exes have been occuring more frequently because the real story behind all the sordid tales and make-believe mojo is one I can no longer ignore. For many years, I've wished that the story would just appear on the pages of my journal and that would be enough resolution and completion for me.  For the past year, I'd hoped that this blog would be the place where my inspiration turned into committed action.  Apparently not according to my dreams and to most of my fully-awakened states of being.  

Apparently, I'm one of those folks who believes she's a good enough writer (when she writes) and has a decent enough of a story about three topics most relationships encounter (lying, lust and love) that I'm compelled to write a book and make this story of mine public.  What is also quite apparent is I have reached the point where as Stephen DeStaebler says, "Artists don't get down to work until the pain of working is exceeded by the pain of not working."  The pain of not writing has now become big enough that I'm paying attention and doing something about it.   

So the treatment plan is a consistent schedule (inspired by my admiration for this writer's commmitment to his work and his community of readers) and is as follows...Mondays and Thursdays ~ posts filled with passionate and provocative words to stir up juicy conversations within your own head and heart as well as here on this blog.  Sundays ~ this will be my end-of-the-week fess-up on how well the book is or isn't progressing.   This treatment plan scares the shit out of me and I know it's time to do that which scares me. I came across this question a few days back and my answers reinforced the validity of the dreams I've been having.  The answers are my book and my fear of, well, of everything.   (Click on the link for the question and the kick-ass article that came with it as well as to understand my answers.) 

Take a look at your dreams and what they're telling you.  Be your own psychotherapist and be honest when you consider whether or not your own advice is worth listening to.  Decide if the pain you feel not doing something is greater than actually doing it.  Create a treatment plan that scares you and inspires your greatest work.  

Beginning Again

Early morning hues.
Pink clouds dance with blue skies.
Possibilities.  

 

I failed miserably last year in being a writer.  Oh, I wrote some, but it certainly wasn't here on this blog and it wasn't about the story I want to tell and turn into a book.  Writers write every day.  And that is why I I failed.  There were way too many days when I chose not to write anything at all. 

 

Looking back (just for a brief moment, because this post is really about looking forward), I didn't write because sitting with the discomfort of a blinking cursor reminds me that writing a book isn't going to be easy.  I didn't write because telling the story of my indiscretions and infidelities isn't going to be pain-free. I didn't write because saying yes to anything other than writing created the illusion of comfort for a short time. I didn't write because being completely honest with myself wasn't happening in some areas of my life last year. And when you want to write a book called "The Girl Who Looked Into the Mirror" and the girl (me) wasn't willing to do that (look into the mirror) and face up to certain things, she really has no business writing a book about the importance of loving and being honest with yourself. 

 

Looking at life right now looks pretty damn good.  It's like looking at those clouds the other morning (the ones you see in the photograph above)...they were eye-candy for the spirit, but they were also eye-opening expressions of time.  As I took in the beauty of the new day beginning and watched the clouds change shape and then disappear altogether, I was suddenly and acutely aware of how fleeting one's life is. The illusion of "having all the time in the world" to write a book or read all the books I own or travel to India or to do whatever it is I want to do doesn't exist sometime in the future.  It exists right now in making the time every day to move towards what I really want. 

 

And that's what I will do this year.  Every day I will be a writer. I've faced up to those things last year that stopped me.  I've forgiven myself.  I'm looking forward.  I return to this blog and I begin to write my book.  The reflection is telling the truth again.   

 

Truth or Dare

 

Photograph by Lloyd Lemmermann

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to help a friend capture part of the vision he has had for his work as a photographer.  While I was initially surprised to have been asked, I wasn't surprised in the least bit to hear myself say "Yes" to his invitation.  The truth is...I love to be daring.  I enjoy doing things that scare me or push my so-called limits to the edge.  I'm willing to try pretty much anything once.  I've had nude photographs taken of me before, but it was a woman behind the camera that time.  This time it was a man.  

Looking at nude photography might make some people uncomfortable, but I'm all for appreciating and admiring the human body sans clothes. But...what's it like when it's your naked body that's being photographed?  How does it feel to be seen by another who's not your mother or your mate?  What dared me to spend a couple hours being in, what I imagine many folks would consider, a vulnerable state? 

I wanted to see what my body looked like through the eyes of another.  I wanted to see the shapes, lines, and shadows without standing in front of a mirror. I wanted to see a different perspective of me.  I wanted to see what a photograph of me as a naked woman would say.  As I've gotten older and my body has changed, it's been way too often I hear a harsh voice filled with unkind words. 

So why should we dare to expose our most naked selves to another human being?  Whether it's in the literal sense (having nude photographs taken) or a figurative one (such as telling the truth even when it scares the hell out of us)...being authentic and vulnerable and willing to take a risk can lead to a greater awareness of ourselves as well as a deeper understanding of and appreciation for our relationships with others. 

"Truth or Dare" used to be my favorite game as a kid.  As an adult, it's turned into Truth and Dare. What truth of yours has dared you to do something new and different?  What dare are you ready to take in your life?