I saw one of my exes yesterday. He stopped by just to say hello. He and I, along with my husband, spent a half an hour or so sitting together in our living room having a nice chat. The last time I saw Rick was in December when we had lunch together. Seven years ago, if someone were to have told me these things (shared meals and home visits) would be possible in the future after our break-up, I don't think I could have said with complete confidence that we'd be friends again. I know I would have hoped that to be the case, but I wouldn't have believed it at that time. There was just too much stuff to see beyond the pain and the anger. There was also a helluva lot of growing I had to do to understand my role in the unraveling and eventual ending of our relationship.
Even though Rick and I have owned up to our crazy-making behaviors with one another and have said our apologies, we still remember how mean we were to each other for so many years. It shakes me still to this day and makes me incredibly sad sometimes. I think he would say he feels the same way towards me. Every so often, I'll just call him up to say, "I'm so sorry and I love you" and he just listens and understands. That space he holds for me heals my heart a little bit more and allows the good times we shared together to shine through again.
It can be hard to remember good times with a previous partner when the break-up is fairly recent and the emotions still incredibly raw. Time and self-introspection can bring forth forgiveness and foster renewed relations with your ex, but being patient and doing the work is tough. Being adult enough to look at your own shit and being able to admit it to the one you once loved is certainly humbling, but it's also incredibly liberating. It also creates an opportunity for something else to show up and replace what you once were. For some it can be a reconcilation and then a reestablishing of the relationship. For others it's a mutual understanding and then a moving on. And then there's those folks like Rick and I. For us, we found out we could be friends again when we let go of all the stuff we allowed to get in the way of us loving one another well when we were together.
Good times are more easily remembered when you can say "I'm so sorry" and "I love you" not only to your exes, but to yourself.
